Commitment Problem, Shmamitment Problem

So I was watching an episode of my new favorite TV show—Community (which everyone should begin watching immediately because it is, by far, the funniest show on television. God bless Joel Mchale and his witty banter and fabulous arms), and I was caught off guard by a comical, yet socially relevant exchange between two of the characters. The main character had just begun a relationship with one of his teachers; they were sleeping together, watching their favorite TV shows together, and sneaking off into utility closets together—everything you would expect to go on in a normal committed romantic relationship (who hasn’t hooked up in a utility closet?!?). However, it wasn’t until the female partner referred to the main character as her “boyfriend” that the shit began to hit the fan. Despite its comedic overtones, the main character started singing a completely different tune. When the two finally sat down to have the dreaded “talk”, the protagonist admitted that he has a serious commitment problem (how original!). Yet, what really took me by surprise was the simple, yet profound exchange that happened following his confession to having commitment-phobia. When the female partner asked him to explain what the big deal is with labeling their relationship, he exclaimed, “It’s just that, when you say it, later on, you might have to unsay it.” Thank you Community for neatly and concisely distilling the “talk” down to what it’s really all about. Consider my mind sufficiently blown.
Commitment. The terrifying concept that awakens, from their comfortingly dormant slumber, even scarier terms like “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, “official”, and—heaven forbid—“love”. But, really, what does it mean to have a commitment problem? Why are people so afraid of being honest about the reality of a touchy situation? If we, as a society, are so concerned with categorizing and putting everything into neat little boxes (i.e. gender, sexuality, race etc), why do some of us have difficulty doing just that, when it really counts?
Again, perhaps my ideas would best be illustrated with the help of a real-life example. I was in a relationship a while back that, for innumerable reasons, was doomed to fail from the very beginning. Aside from being completely incompatible on almost every level (with the exception of physicality- we were awesome at that), we were together for almost a year without ever making things official. We had had the “talk” early on, early enough that it wasn’t outrageous for things to remain up in the air. However, when things got more serious—when phone calls became expected, visits back and forth became routine, and the fighting became part of the job description—all communication fell to the wayside. When I finally grew the balls to ask him “what we were”, he said that he didn’t want to make things official because he knew that, eventually, we would break up, and I would get hurt. Ummmm….yeah…your point? Apparently, for him, it made perfect sense not to make things official in order to save the time and heartache that would inevitably come along when we would have to make it unofficial. I really wish that made sense. But, I’m a fool—and he had a six-pack—so I let things carry on the way they were.
I don’t think I need to go into how things ended between us for you to understand my point. Obviously, in an attempt to avoid the awkward and often painful break-up, he chose to skip out on having a real, legitimate, unambiguous relationship. Some may call this a commitment problem, a fear of making things official, a fear of slapping a label on things—I call it being a pussy. It’s not about being afraid to take the plunge. All it’s really about, dare I say it, is being afraid of confrontation. Guys are afraid of getting themselves into a situation where, because of social norms and, in truth, actual laws, punching the person in the face will not solve the problem; as women, guys can’t wrestle us to the ground, put us in a choke hold, and make us say “uncle” until everything is all better. We have to actually—hold on to your nuts, boys—TALK things out! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A COMMITMENT PROBLEM. If a guy is not willing to make things official then he, plain and simply, does not like you enough. Or he isn’t quite sure if he likes you enough YET. He is only giving you the “it’s not you it’s me” excuse because he is afraid of hurting you with his honesty. Sorry babe, but it is YOU.
Which brings me to my next point. Deep within the unwillingness to “say it” in order to avoid having to eventually “unsay it”, like really deep within it, is, what I believe to be, guys’ inherent sense of false nobility. “I don’t want to hurt you”, “I am doing this for you”, “I am saving you the heartache”…PLEASE! Come up with something original at least! Don’t try and play off your selfish inability to man-up and handle what could potentially, but not definitely, turn into a messy situation on your phony attempts at chivalry. I don’t buy it. It’s self-preservation. I wasn’t born yesterday. Don’t insult my intelligence.
So ladies, and gentlemen who are not spineless tools, next time a guy tells you he doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend because he is afraid of commitment or doesn’t want to hurt you when it comes time to end things, tell him you can see right through his cloud of bullshit and that if he doesn’t want to make things official, then he take his business elsewhere. Amen.