Mazal Tov

I don’t know what’s more depressing: the fact that I have a blog or the fact that I have a blog that I don’t write for because I have nothing to say. Either way, boredom and/or something worth my analysis has lit my literary fire once again (and I kind of need to kill some time while I let True Blood load).
So, here I am, waiting somewhat impatiently, in the unbearable Israeli heat and equally as intolerable Israeli culture, for my life to begin—or end—depending on how you look at it. As I count down the days until med school takes over my life and I no longer have time to care about anything other than amino acids and embryonic development, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life. I am not sure if this level of introspection is due to the fact that I have a lot of time on my hands or the fact that everyone in my Israeli family is either married or preoccupied with getting married, but, nevertheless, I find myself wondering why it is that my mindset seems dissimilar to the attitudes of my peers and family. Whenever anyone asks why I don’t have a boyfriend, why I don’t actively seek out dates, why I have no desire to be set up, or why I am not having a good time at yet another wedding, I respond with the same retort every time—I am too busy for that stuff. That sure as shit shuts people up. She’s going to be a doctor, she has better things to worry about. And yet, the nice people at surfthechannel.com would argue otherwise.
It was only after I learned that my grandmother had actually put my cousin to work on finding me a suitable mate that I began to question why it is that I am so turned off by the whole idea of getting married right now. My argument can no longer hinge on age and maturity level—I am not really all that young anymore. It also isn’t because I am one of those alternative people who hates institutionalized rituals or anything socially sanctioned, for I do want to get married at some point. And it definitely isn’t because I don’t like attention. So, what is it?
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don’t want to get married in the near future because I am just entirely disillusioned by the way marriage is conceptualized in my social circles. For a lot of my peers, marriage is the ultimate goal, the pinnacle of accomplishment, the social equivalent of the Nobel Prize. For them, marriage acts as some sort of assurance that he or she is a normal, functioning, capable member of society. Take my cousin for example. She is only two weeks younger than me, and yet, she and I live on different planets. She grew up in Israel (ignore the influences of the cultural differences for arguments sake) and did the whole National Service thing after she graduated from high school. Once she was finished doing that, she got to work on finding someone to put a ring on her finger. Going to school, becoming something, or even getting a normal, paying job didn’t even cross her mind. She married the first guy who said, “I love you”. Now that her husband is finally out of the army, they are both married for a living.
While this little anecdote may not come as a shock to you, since many of the people that you know, I am sure, are kowtowing to this little arrangement as well, what sets this story apart is the fact that her parents are actually happier than they have ever been. I know what you’re thinking—what the hell do her parents’ feelings have to do with this? Well, just a few weeks ago, her brother got married as well and their parents, who have never really been the most cheery of people, are suddenly all loving and sweet to everyone, all the time. It’s as though the fact that their children got married acts as a testament to their parenting skills. As if finding a spouse solidified their children as acceptable members of society. Since when is getting married a sign of social obedience? Since when does getting married mean you are now a worthwhile human being?
I overheard my aunt and uncle talking to each other the other night. It was right before their son’s wedding and they were talking about how they just can’t understand people who never want to get married, how they think people who want to be professionals instead of mothers or fathers are just immoral. As soon as they expressed these less than impressive sentiments, they noticed me watching them. In an attempt to assuage the awkwardness of catching me eavesdropping, my aunt leaned over to me and said, “you’re not going to be one of those yuppie professionals, are you?” Never at a loss for words, I quickly responded by saying, “I want to be a professional, but that doesn’t negate the fact that I want to be a mother too.” If I had had more time to prepare and bigger balls to call upon, I probably could have come with something a little more biting to say back, but it shut her up for the time being. As I sat there, finishing my chicken soup, I couldn’t help but wonder about what had just transpired. Firstly, no one has used the word “yuppie” in context in about 20 years. Secondly, I don’t understand why being a professional and being a wife/mother have to be mutually exclusive. Lastly, why is having the desire to contribute to society in a capacity other than reproduction immoral?
Because, in the last 20 years or so, our charmed social circle has shifted. Instead of a career being the logical next step in the journey of life, marriage is. And, for some people, it pretty much ends there. Those of us who choose to hold onto the belief that marriage comes second to a fulfilling career or a happy adolescence are deemed “yuppie professionals”. I see this everywhere. A friend of mine just married a girl he knew for three months simply because he couldn’t keep it in his pants any longer and because the idea that marriage should be on the horizon was drummed into his head by his religious mentors. This kid was not ready to get married. The last time I saw him he was high as a kite and had his hands down some random girl’s skirt at a bar and now, suddenly, he’s prince charming. Yeah, real marriage material.
To make my case even stronger, take another one of my friends who just announced his coming nuptials. God bless him, this kid has been in love with me for 5 years. Not in love with me to the point where he can’t seem to find anyone to replace me, writes me unrequited love songs, chases me down kind of love. More of like a one-that-got-away type relationship. He propositions me all the time and I totally fuel the fire. It’s fun (in a sick, mean way) to hear that someone wants you, so I encourage the expressions of desire. He has been dating this girl for quite some time and she has no idea I even exist, let alone still occupy a place in his mind and his heart. Just last month, he begged me to come over and sleep with him. And now he is engaged. If all I have to do is say the word and he will kick that girl like a bad habit and come running, then he is obviously, in my humble opinion, not ready to take the plunge. So then why the hell would you get married? Oh! I Know! Call on me! Because everyone is doing it, that’s what’s expected of you, that’s the logical next step in our society. Disregard all normal feelings of lust toward anyone else or any desire for something other than companionship and marry the first person to suck your dick. There ya go. Mazal Tov.
I really wish someone with enough power and influence would man up and tell my peers (and their parents) that there might be more to life than wedding bells and Shabbat candles. Maybe then everyone could calm down and do what they are supposed to do—grow up.